In 2004 while on our 3rd break up (not by my choice for the record), Jon asked to meet up with me and proceeded to propose. He went on to tell me that he could not spend another day without me and that he had a dream that we got married and we had a baby boy named Nathaniel William. Like most women, after getting engaged my mind started racing with plans for our future. I thought to myself
"I would like to start trying to have kids about a year after being married."
My husband and I married in June of 2005 and he was on board with the plan. However things did not quite go according to that plan. After several years of trying to conceive we started to pursue fertility testing and found that all 3 levels that they test the male for were low. We were told that more than likely the only way that we would have a child was through in-vitro fertilization. This was a big financial expense for us to pray about. We decided to hold off in order to save up some money for the procedure. During this time I became pregnant in the spring of 2013 but just a couple of days after taking a positive pregnancy test I began to miscarry.
Though upsetting, this gave my husband and I hope for the future that we could conceive on our own. Because of that mindset I was able to remain in good spirits during that week until I got "the phone call." My younger brother (my only sibling) called to let me know that my sister in law was pregnant. This was a blessing and happy time for our family of course. However, the timing of the news sent me into a whirlwind of emotions that I had never felt before. My friends and family were more than supportive during this time, but the comfort, peace, and strength that I received from our heavenly father was indescribable. The bible tells us that God draws near to the broken hearted and this was one of those moments where I was truly able to experience that. After miscarrying my husband and I decided to wait 1 year before pursuing the in-vitro to see if we conceived on our own again.
At the end of the that year we had not so we made the appointment with the fertility clinic. A week before the appointment my husband had a very emotional conversation with me about not having peace about moving forward with this. At first this was hard for me to hear but the bottom line was that I trusted Jon as the head of our household and knew that he follows the peace of God. Truth be told, I did not have peace either but I wanted it so bad I was willing to continue moving forward with the IVF. After making the decision to put the IVF on hold once again, this is where a shift happened for me spiritually and emotionally. My thinking shifted and allowed me to live my life differently than I had been for many years.
While at lunch with my dear friend and mentor she mentioned to me that I was in a season of wait. As I continued to dive into that the more positive my outlook became and the more freedom I experienced over the pain I had felt of not having a child yet. This is where I feel I transitioned from longing to waiting. Longing is not a bad thing by any means as it comes from our desires. I found that there were many emotions that came along with the longing season. Because the desire was so strong it became hard to go to baby showers, receive calls or texts that friends or loved ones were pregnant, or even see pregnancy announcements on social media. I would like to think that I never really went into a pitty me phase or got too deep into letting the disappointment take over but there was definitely a hurt that came about when watching others have what I wanted so bad for so many years. After that lunch with my mentor and reminding myself that the longing/desire I had for a child lined up with the word of God, I was able to realize that I was in a season of wait. I continued to declare God's promises over our family and trust him that everything is perfect in his timing. I purposed to be present in the moment for each season during this time of waiting, however long that may be. This brought about a new found awareness and gratefulness for each season I then encountered as well as with the relationships in my life, especially with my husband.
For the past 3 years since this change in my mindset I have had the best time enjoying my husbands company, trips we have taken, and even cherishing the at home date nights where I make dinner and we watch a movie. We celebrated our 11 year anniversary in June of this year and after 10 years of standing on God's promises and praying for our child by name, we are expecting our little miracle baby Nathaniel William on December 8th. I took a pregnancy test back on April 1st and told my husband "this is not an April fools joke, this is for real." Though some fears tried to creep in during the first trimester, we continued to trust in God that this was his blessing and the fears started to dissipate and became replaced with peace. God has not only blessed us with answering our prayers, but he has blessed us above an beyond what we could have ever imagined with other blessings that have come a long the way during this season of my pregnancy. God does know the desires of our hearts, he does answer prayers, and everything is perfect in his time.